Where I Am
- The Undefeated
- Oct 13, 2016
- 5 min read
All of me hurts. I have shooting pain in my legs, hands, fingers, toes, throughout my body I have terrible pain. I may have extreme pain for a few moments intermittently and then be dealing with the aftermath of that pain. If it’s in my hips/knees/ankles/feet, walking becomes nearly impossible and shuffling feels like running a marathon. If the pain is in my shoulders/elbows/wrists/fingers even opening a door or picking up a fork to eat can cause me to cry. Sleep used to be sacred. It used to be the way I escaped the pain. But sleep is no longer my safe haven. Pain has no qualms in waking me and rendering me helpless to laying in bed at 4 in the morning crying and praying both for the pain to end and to fall asleep once again.
More and more my limits seem to take over. What I could do 2 weeks ago is now what I dream about, and doing what I could a year ago is nothing more than a bittersweet idea. Pain has taken away much of my freedom. Walking to a dock near my house forces me to sit for 30-45 minutes to regain my strength. I love being on the river at night. No one is out there. No one can watch me as I shuffle down the dock. No one can take a second look at how slowly I am walking. No one is forcing me to engage in conversation or obligatory smiles. I can be as broken as need be. I can fall apart at the rivers edge and my pain doesn’t overwhelm the river. The river doesn’t cry for me. The river just listens as it engages in its representation of movement that “it”, in the grandest sense, goes on.
So in dealing with the pain, the limitations, and grieving the life I thought I’d be living, Netflix and Amazon video have become 2 coping mechanisms for me. Greys Anatomy and Parenthood are great if I want to cry, West Wing is when I need to feel like there are some good people out there, Arrow or Supernatural when I’m angry at the pain, How to Train Your Dragon when I need epic music and grandiose action, and Avatar: the Last Airbender and Girl Meets World helps me regain the innocence of my childhood.
But then after the river and netflix, what else do I have?
Well, when I need to feel connected to people I will go through my photos on Facebook. I’ll go through my “Sold To Jesus” albums. It’s funny how just looking at the faces of the people I love makes me feel warm inside. Memories that are months and even years old come to life again and I soak it all in.
I look at the album of the Wildwood interns and in snapshots I get to relive our many games of “**Two hand touch football**”. ;) I get to see Will and Timmy vying for the football, Rileigh chasing Connor, Morgan and Karrah laughing on the field, and Todd watching happily from the deck or cooking a gourmet dinner.
I get to look back on my adventures with my little sisters. Going to an abandoned cement factory in Tallahassee, engaging in tomfoolery, modeling, and exploring. Seeing them smile, laugh, catwalk down a flat bed semi, race through a labyrinth, lean on one another, and create the very memories down whose lane I am currently walking.
Facebook helps too. I get to be part of their lives in little ways and it means so much. Of course I still text them also.
I message when they pop into my head and fantasize about future photoshoots with them.
When I left, a bunch of my little sisters wrote letters to me. I keep them near me and whenever I need my spirits lifted I will read their kind words. I still have my encouragement envelope from a girls retreat and read the little notes there as well. One of my girls gave me this mason jar that is overflowing with pieces of paper that have things that she loves about me on them. She glued an “H” tile from Scrabble to the lid and called it, “A Jar of Happiness”. She had no idea how much it would minister to my soul. Another of my girls wrote me a letter about knowing there was another person in the world who was like her and could be who I am gave her hope. One of my girls wrote me a letter about how I’ve made her want to go outside and love people bc even when I’ve been at my lowest that’s what I’ve modeled to her. Another girl told me I would change lives wherever I went, and she knew this because I had changed hers. She made sure to mention something her little sister had once said, that my hair looked like cotton candy and was cosmic goodness.
SO. MUCH. ENCOURAGEMENT.
And they just kept thanking me for being in their lives. But it’s me who is so crazy thankful. They have gifted my soul with their own soul fires, by which I warm myself when mine is feeling cold. The insight, intelligence, talent, love, hope, laughter,
ferocity for life, openness to people, openness to the different roads life takes you down, and their smiles. I love their smiles.
God is very much an active part of my sanity. He gives me the memories to look back on. He’s given me music to hold onto that speaks to my soul. He helps me to find him when I have no choice but to. I feel a lacking in our relationship right now.
But I think it’s the stage I’m in right now and that’s okay. Relationships have seasons.
________________________________________________________________
To my Christian friends: If you heard the above 7 sentences as a cry for help. Please fix your earplugs into place. It was not. Please do not try to fix me or fix my and God’s relationship. God will lead me as He always does and I guarantee you that whatever you want to say to me will not be what clears the clouds. I love you. Love me enough to keep the bible bumper sticker surgery in your red fix it box. <3
__________________________________________________________________
Loneliness is teaching me a lot.
I don’t think I valued people as much as I do now. There is so much beauty in people.
If they feel comfortable with you, people will let down their guard and let the beauty of their idiosyncrasies play with yours and for a few moments a stranger is a friend you haven’t seen in a long time and you appreciate every single thing about them.
Of course that kind of ease freaks people out and as soon as they realize they’ve had that moment, they say, “Have a good day.” Thank you, I think it might be.
Sincerely Yours,
The Undefeated
Comments