Our Sunflower Set
I remember standing in front of a Sunflower in Odum, Georgia talking on the phone. I was telling her about how I love and identify with sunflowers. The inside of a sunflower is dark but soft, the petals are bright, and they stand alone. They don’t grow on a bush. So while there may be other sunflowers growing nearby, they’re standalone flowers. I went on to draw the parallel between the darkness inside myself and the bright colors I dye my hair and makeup I put on my face. We talked about how a lot of people we love are sunflowers and how that can be lonely and then had that moment where we’re both trying to decide if we tell the other we love them. Simultaneously we awkwardly tried to say it without saying it. It ended with us laughing hilariously and saying, “I love you. I love you too. Ok. Cool.”
I found out recently through posts people are making in her honor, that she was known as, “Sunflower”. I always knew her as Rachael but more importantly as a safe person to talk to about all the feelings I didn’t feel comfortable talking to anyone else about.
I actually first met her on Facebook. We both commented on a mutual friends post and liked what the other had to say. So we became friends. We messaged regularly until the first time I met her in person at love bags. She came into Brew Cafe(where we met before we went to Holiday Park), threw up her hands, and squealed, “Hilaryyyyyyyyyyy!!!!” I heard a few people ask, “they know each other???” She came in, sat in my lap, and hugged me. First day.
She was my first best friend.
She’s the reason I fell in love with photography. She let me borrow her camera when we went to a park and I took photos of her and the sun setting and I fell in love. I’d never felt so free before. Photography allows you to share your perspective on anything and everything and if people look at your photos it’s because they want to see what you see. Months after I took photos on her camera and had begun taking photos on my iPhone and using editing programs on my phone, I ended up taking a film photography class at college and then went to school for photography. Every time I pick up my camera, which ironically is the same type she had when I first took real photos, I think of her. Photography gave me a way to communicate with people that they could appreciate and that I could pour my heart into.
I’m neurodivergent and have always had a hard time communicating with people. It always seems like I say too much or speak too honestly. But when a picture is worth a thousand words, I rarely need to say much of anything.
On Thursday evening I got a call that Rachael was gone from the world. It’s like the air was sucked out of the room. I couldn’t breathe. I’ll never call her up, only for her to end the call and text me that she has taken a vow of silence(it could’ve happened again), and then video call her for 3 hours having a conversation with full dialogue with her only using her facial expressions and grunts. We’ll never reminisce about that time I asked if they spoke Costa Rican in Costa Rica(Yes, that really happened). I’ll never get to call her up just to talk about a ladybug I saw that had a certain amount of sass that made me think of her. I’ll never get to crash a wedding with her, get lost in Panama City looking for springs and get 200 bug bites lol, go spend my birthday with her, laugh til I cry with her, cry til I laugh with her, or get one of those hugs that seemed to heal the wounds I’d gotten used to and forgotten were still open.
We were going to take so many road trips.
One night we planned a whole road trip across Europe and Asia and we both promised that if we ever won the lottery or became millionaires(doubtful) we’d go. One time at 3 am I called her cause I was sure she was awake and laughed about how once I knew her, my sleep schedule never got set “right” ever again(currently writing this at 4am).
There are three women from South Florida that have continued to speak into my life since I moved away in 2011. Rachael was one of them. I called the two other women on Thursday night and told them. We sat in silence and felt all the feelings that didn’t have words for them yet.
One of the women, let’s call her, “Latina Wonderwoman”.
She was texting me on Thursday and Friday night asking me how I was, asking how I was handling. I wasn’t.
I was just shutting off. I was sleeping a lot at first and now I’m not sleeping much at all.
When I was texting LWW, I was processing as I was writing. Writing is cathartic for me. So I was realizing how I was feeling while I was writing it out.
Thursday Night:
“When I think about Rachael, I just wanna cry nonstop.
And then I start thinking about the fact that she was such a light and not enough people knew her. And then I think about the way the world took out this light and how we can’t let the loss of that light take any of our light away, if anything we have to burn brighter. Because the world won’t be able to extinguish my light. Let it try.
Her light became part of me, and I have to do her proud.”
Friday Night:
“I can be a safe harbor for people like us who love a lot, feel a lot, and sometimes don’t know how to live in such a dark world. Sometimes we hold on to each other and sometimes we let go.
She let go.”
Friday night I couldn’t sleep and ended up staying up all night making an illustration that when I really stopped and looked at it, made me think of Rachael and how I was feeling. It's actually a little funny it took me so long to realize.
I’ll grieve the loss of her for the rest of my life. I thought she was going to be part of my life forever, the same way I think that of Latina Wonderwoman and Peg(Patient, Empathetic, Gracious).
I’ll find my own ways to honor her.
Sincerely Yours,
The Undefeated
