Beauty in the Loneliness

Grace is surprisingly hard to come by.

We're all lonely at some point or another. We get overwhelmed by it, underwhelmed by others' reactions to it, and it's often hard to find someone who will really listen, not question, and be willing to meet with you in your pain.

Sometimes I am super lonely. A lot of times I need someone I can tell all my pain to and cry and maybe have a cocktail with them and they just listen without offering some sort of cure.

Because if those ppl were really listening they wouldn't grab the duct tape when I tell them about the sleepless nights, the tears, my fears, my limits, how tapping my foot can cause 10/10 pain, and how despite all of that pain and all of the loneliness that goes with it, I find inspiration in the same moments that completely wreck me.

But there are very few people in the world that I know that can have that kind of conversation with. Plus I don't want people to hurt for me in the same ways that I do, although if you love me a lot you're probably obscenely peeved at me for that. #sorrynotsorry

Out of love or discomfort, people will offer up ways for me to fix myself.

I honestly believe that the only way I'm going to experience healing is if God decides to do it. God has allowed a lot of pain in my life and, while I promise that I do believe He can and has done for others before, that has not been my experience. To me it seems like He allows pain over and over again in my life. I believe He can heal me but it is not always his will to heal and no matter how much I pray to Him to heal me, if it isn’t His will to heal me then it won’t happen.

So if it is His will that I know this pain, then that’s what will happen.

I realize I have no control, but I gave God my illusion of it. I told Him that I’m okay with whatever He has for me.

When I say okay I mean ugly crying but still breathing. It breaks my heart to think that this kind of pain could be in my life for the rest of my life.

The reality of life is that we are all in some sort of pain. We hate fragility, weakness, pain, and limits. It has been bore into our brains that if we just try hard enough or will ourselves we will succeed in pulling ourselves, out of whatever ails us, by the bootstraps.

It gets preached to people who struggle in any and every way.

We don't want to admit that we don't hold all the cards and we don't have control of what we ante up in this massive card game.

So what are you saying here?

Well I guess I'm saying that even though my life is being ripped from me in slow motion, I endure 7-10 pain on the daily, my limits are greater than my abilities, and I deal with hardcore loneliness; I am inspired.

I am inspired to love people more, be gracious more, listen more, and lay witness to the beauty of the world and the people I know and meet.

Recently I've met some people and in the moment they were gung-ho to be friends with me, but they didn't follow through. That doesn't mean I can't find joy in the conversations we had or in their off kilter humor.

Recently I was flirted with by a very cute boy for an entire day and while we decided that his vision for a relationship was different than mine...I still got to flirt with a really kind, good looking guy for a day.

I met a guy on the riverwalk whose name is Leon and we talked about many different things for about 20 minutes and although I haven't seen or talked to him since, I find joy in that conversation still.

Yesterday I was sitting on the river and saw three girls working out on the river and I was really proud of them. I don’t know them, probably never will, but I was really proud of them.

I am inspired every few days by kindness, joy, discipline, and beauty.

There's beauty in the loneliness.

Sincerely yours,

The Undefeated