The Cheering Section

The Undefeated
Oct 30, 2016
4 min read

There’s always gonna people in our lives that aren’t on the front lines of our lives but that follow them. I know I follow some people’s lives that I always felt inspired by but could never figure out how to let them know that and not sound weird.

One of my friends that I’ve known since I was very little survived cancer. We were never best friends, but I have many good memories of her and always felt that she was a strong, kind girl. I was right. She battled cancer and came out on the other side a more compassionate, broken, strong, thankful, joyful person. I watched from the sidelines as I had no right to barge into her life and declare myself a place to run to. That’s nice and all, but I have no history of vulnerability and trust with her, so I cheered from the sidelines and she was victorious. Tears, thankfulness, inspiration, and joy were what I felt when I saw her post on Facebook.

I have a few friends with Lyme Disease and it really takes the proverbial, “it” out of you. So keeping up all the time isn’t really a thing. Plus they have families and are trying to hold themselves and life together. We don’t get to talk all the time, but when we do it is genuine and full of love. We remind each other that we’re in each’s cheering sections.

In this day and age busyness is a badge of honor. People praise doing the absolute most you can without imploding, oh and doing it well.

“What do you do?” is an all important question and how you answer determines what the asker will think of you.

I, in all honesty, cannot answer that question to the satisfaction of society. I survive. I am surviving an undiagnosed chronic illness that has left me feeling like a fraction of who I once was.

Tonight I am in Tallahassee and got to go to High school youth group which is known as, “Koinonia” at the church I interned at for almost 4 years. I’ve missed my students and the interns so so much.

So, Koinonia. Well the Student Pastor, Todd, talked about how we use busyness as an excuse to not spend time with God.

We use all of our actions, things we would say we are doing for God, as a barrier between us and God. We engage in noise to avoid being alone with ourselves and with God. We take every minute we have in the day and dedicate it to a million different things, none of which are God.

I even sometimes begin to feel angry with God. I feel frustrated that God doesn’t answer me right when I want Him to. I am like a teenager and throw a fit, slamming my bedroom door and then breaking down on the other side of it silently begging Him to take me in His arms and let me feel safe.

Silence is a scary thing. Even scarier? God. I mean that in that God’s will and mine are often opposite.

So engaging in a conversation with the person who is gonna take the picture of the sun in the corner and me and my dog and friends standing flatly against a peaceful background takes me and the people I love and molds the picture to reflect a wide array of colors. The sun is no longer only yellow, but golden, terrifying and beautiful all at the same time, orange, red, and a depth to it not describable by any words we can find. He takes the elementary rendering of myself and adds different perspectives, compassion, grace; He takes a superficial, less than skin deep joy and makes it thankfulness.

One of my favorite metaphors for life is the back of a tapestry. If you ever look at the back of a tapestry it is a hot mess.

Seriously.

Look at the back of a tapestry and I’ll bet you’ll feel a connection to thread that you never thought you could.

So, growing. Imagine if you had refused to grow from the point you were at 3 years ago.

You wouldn’t have the thankfulness, joy, understanding, and wisdom that you have gained had you decided then and there that you did not wish to grow anymore. I get it. Growth is scary. But staying where you are is even scarier. You’ll be like a rock in the river. While the people you know and love move on and forward and learn more about themselves and the world, your once vibrant colorations of passions and drive will be eroded by the passing of time and your reluctance to pass with it.

Tonight Todd talked about having idols. We all have them. It’s not a dirty word.

No judgement here. I have no right to judge anyone and I don’t want to.

The past 6 months have been rough for me. I moved, lost my immediate community, haven’t made any new friends, and my health declined. I have a pattern of not being satisfied. I didn’t have everything I ever wanted in Tallahassee but I had so so much and so much to be incredibly thankful for. But I was dissatisfied.

Well Bradenton has been the loss of almost everything. I still have my family and my dog and my community loves me from afar. I have lost the ability to easily open a door and lost a lot of strength in the rest of my body. But I have learned to be incredibly thankful for kindness. I have lost the ability to hear an earnest prayer and not tear up.

I have lost my expectation that life will work out the way I imagine because I have imagined it that way.

I have some people in my cheering section and I don’t always know who they are, but I am learning to recognize them by their love.

One of the people in my cheering section prayed for me tonight. He prayed I be given faith, that my fears be alleviated because it must all be very scary, and that I be given strength and stay strong. He prayed so lovingly, graciously, and earnestly that I cried.