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Without The Lights

  • The Undefeated
  • Nov 7, 2016
  • 9 min read

Without The Lights

First off I want to say that this music video is amazing, was created by Elliot Moss and is not my property. I just happen to think it is amazing. So…be sure to tell him he is amazing. Just take a moment to appreciate the insane amount of talent that went into creating this. Appreciate the time, resources, and guts it took to create this.

It’s amazing.

It inspired me to write the following.

I think this is talking about abuse. Physical, mental, verbal, and emotional. For me it's talking about pain in general. How it leaves marks on you and you stare into the mirror looking at how it has changed you, blaming yourself for that, hating what it has done, fighting to be the you that you once were, and sometimes the pain can seem like too much and when trying to escape the pain we end up looking in the mirror and no longer see ourselves but the pain or root of abuse itself. Depression does that too. It pours its dark, sticky, encompassing self onto your light and does so until all you see is darkness and all anyone else sees is darkness.

I was once that light bulb. My own light was wiped out and all I saw was darkness and pain. If you know me, then you know I’ve had a lot of dark times, but if you don’t, then you’re feeling really patronized right now.

I think it's important to know that isn't true. It feels like we are trapped inside our pain and sometimes it may be that, but that is not the end of your story. You have not been cast into darkness and you have not been abandoned.

I once thought I was and I was ready to abandon everyone else.

I wrote this a little over a year ago and didn’t know when I’d share it, but this feels right.

________________________________________________________________________________________

September 3, 2015

Dear Everyone,

I don’t want to be alive anymore.

It hurts too much.

I hurt too much.

Thank you to the people who have reached out to me recently…to the people who have gone out of their way to love me in their own ways.

It meant more than you could know…

But I just wasn’t strong enough to fight it.

To my family;

I love you guys. I love you so much. Mom, I know we fought and I’m sorry for that. I shut you out a lot and was angry with you bc I didn’t know how to be close to you, didn’t know how to accept myself and try as I might, I knew I would hurt you one day. I love you so much. I love you more than I could ever tell you. Thank you for loving me the way you did. I always needed that strong kind of love.

Dad, I love you. You always understood me in a way that even I didn’t understand myself. You rooted for me silently, screamed from the proverbial stands of my life, held me when I cried, cried with me, and didn’t judge my pain.

Ansley, you’re my big sister so our relationship is hard, but I love you a lot. You stood up for me against mark chandler and you’ve threatened to beat everyone up that has ever hurt me. Thank you for loving me so relentlessly. I love you.

I love you all.

Love,

Hils

To Debbie and Lex,

Debs: Thank you for loving me, guiding me, listening to me, helping me, crying with me, praying with me and for me, and being one of my best friends. I love you so so much. <3

Lex: Thank you for loving me the way you did. Your hugs are the best. Thank you for letting me become part of your life, and a have a little corner of your heart. I love you so much. <3

Thank you both for giving me a second home to call home. Having you both in my life was such a blessing. You both taught me things that I couldn’t have known on my own. And thank you for letting me into your lives. It wasn’t easy, and I love you for not taking the easy route.

<3 Hils

To Brooke,

I’m sorry that this will hurt you. Know that I love you.

You are a truly amazing girl. You have talent, have survived so much, and you haven’t given up. Don’t ever give up. Keep pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. There are so many people out there who haven’t had the privilege of knowing and loving you yet.

Know that knowing you was such a huge amazing blessing to me.

Be strong. Be stronger than I was. Keep going. You’re an amazing young woman,

Plaid Princess.

<3 Pastel Mermaid.

To Lindsey,

I don’t know you very well yet, but I love you a whole lot. You’re so smart, your writing is amazing, you have such a depth to you that I hope you never lose. You always made me smile. You are you and if someone doesn’t like it, they can go suck a lollipop cause you are you. I miss seeing you, but I know you’ll be back in tally in no time. I hope you’ll let yourself be loved and see how amazing you are.

<3 Hils

To Claire,

You are a crazy talented, amazing, smart, beautiful young woman. I have loved knowing you. Don’t be afraid to come out from the veil you stay behind. You are the kind of person this world needs. You love with all of yourself and you see people as they are and appreciate all that they are. Keep being you. You is amazing. <3 His

To Autumn,

You have the voice of an angel. Legit. Your voice always made me feel like I was getting a glimpse of heaven. Keep singing. You’re smarter than you give yourself credit for. You hold all of the potential in the world in your mind. You are so insightful and you say beautiful things all the time. Loving you has been such a privilege. Never forget how amazing you are.

To Savana,

You’re such a wonderful goofball. I’m so thankful I had you in my life. You are one of a kind; and such a blessing. A blessing I’m sad I won’t get to see turn into an even more amazing woman. You’re so full of life and laughter. Keep loving and laughing.

<3 Hils

To Todd and Andie,

Y’all are seriously amazing. I love you a lot. You both made it clear you were in it for the long haul and believe me, that in itself was worth so much to me. Thank you for wanting to walk/drive this winding road with me. I have gotten to a point that I just don’t see a point in keeping this smiling charade going. Please know that I am/was so thankful for your love, support, and zeal to be there for and with me.

<3 Hilary

To all the Wildweird Interns,

I dunno if this will even reach you.

But if it does, it’s for you.

Y’all are such amazing people. Thank you for reaching out and loving me in your own amazing ways. It meant so much. This is no one’s fault; save mine.

To Rileigh and Andy: yawl are seriously awesome people. Rileigh, your kindness and zeal for life are so beautiful. Don’t lose those things. Andy: your warmth and ability to love people in these really subtle beautiful ways is amazing. Don’t lose those things…and don’t lose Rileigh.

To Morgan and Will: Morgan I love your joy and your smile and your hugs. You’re like a drop of sun. Thank you for loving me and being so warm to me. Will; thanks for enduring the sarcasm. I secretly thought you were super cool, insightful, and awesome. I hope you saw through me and understood that before now.

To Alyssa: You were always so kind to me in the smallest ways. It’s the little things that make you who you are and that is gonna change the world.

To Connor, Keep being redefined by Christ and keep walking that path of refinement in Christ. You’re already an amazing human being. Keep being amazing. I am proud to know and love you and to have had you as a brother in Christ. I’m proud of how I see God working in you and can’t imagine how amazing your ministry will be.

To Karrah: When you are brave, vulnerable, and put yourself out there, it has an incredible affect on those around you, and the people God has put in your life. Never forget how strong your ministry is made in being the woman He has made you to be.

To Kelli: You’re such a joy and so joyful. Don’t lose that joy, ever. Thank you for making me laugh.

To Emma: Thank you for loving me the way you did. You love strongly and consistently and your praying heart was so welcome. Don’t ever lose those things about yourself. Keep loving people the way you do. The world needs more people like you.

To Katie: Thank you for loving me the way that you did. You always looked out for me physically, emotionally…in as many ways as you could. Thank you for being so aware of me. Your awareness of other’s emotions is such a beautiful thing. Don’t lose it.

To Karen: I didn’t get to know you well, but keep being you. The bit I did know was beautiful.

To all the South Florida Peeps:

Thank you for loving me from afar.

I wasn’t so good at it and I’m pretty sure almost no one is good at loving from afar…save a few very special human beings. You all are very near and dear to my heart. But I’m tired of being in pain. I don’t see it ending any time soon. And…I just can’t do this long haul. But I wish the best to all of you who do.

To Chet, Nancy, Linette, Juan, Emma, Rachael, Megan D, and Brittnee,

Y’all have got to look out for one another. Be a family even more so than you already are. Y’all are such amazing idiosyncratic people that love and are loved on and by other idiosyncratic people. Grow in kindness, love, and wisdom. I’m sorry this will hurt you. Know that I’m not in pain anymore and hopefully find some joy in that.

Juan, Emma, and Megan: Thank you for being in my life when God had you there.

Chet and Nancy: thank you for loving me like you did. I love you so much.

Linette: I’m sorry. I love you. Be stronger than I was.

Brittnee: Thank you for loving me, encouraging me, and praying for me. I love you.

Rachael: You have been a dear friend and sister. I love you.

Love, Hils

To Kate, Kristin, Chris, Amber,

I love you all. A lot. Y’all are part of the original crew. I am so thankful I had you guys while I did. I got to see what community and friendship was supposed to look like. Seriously.

Kate; thank you for not giving up on making a community. Kate: Thank you for pushing hard for a friendship with me. We are very different, but I respect you so much for that and I love you.

Kristin: Thank you for being the fellow artist that understood the creative curvature of my mind.

Chris: You always made me smile and I always needed that smile, and I am so so thankful for you and grateful to have had you as a good friend.

Amber: You loved me and cared for me in a way that I don’t have words for. You made a difference.

Y’all are champs.

Love, Hils

To Austin,

Well I wrote this time.

So…I’m taking that as a sign that it’s okay for me to do this. I’m not crying. I sincerely feel peaceful about this. Maybe that’s a bad thing. But it doesn’t feel like it to me. I love you so much. I am so thankful for our many heart to hearts. The level at which we could talk about pain was very sobering for me. All the times you let me cry on you, next to you, or in your car...I am so thankful God gave me such a strong, amazing, kind, patient, loving brother as you. He couldn’t have given me a better brother. Seriously. I hope you understand what an amazing human being you are one day.

Love, Hilz

I love you all so much.

Bye.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

So yeah that happened. I was gonna kill myself because I had lost sight of all light and saw only my darkness and pain.

But I’m a legit success story that it doesn’t have to be that way.

I was ready to die. I wanted to and I didn’t have qualms about it.

Well until about a week later where I called my best friend and he told me I was not allowed to murder myself.

So anyways, believe me when I say I understand that you have pain and darkness. It is very real, very scary, and very overwhelming.

Also, contrary to what your pain would have you believe, I want to love you and be there for you and this isn’t only true of me but of the people in your life. They love you.

They may not know how to show you that, but they do.

They may not be able to love you how you’re envisioning they should be, but I’m convinced that if we communicated better with people and told them what we needed, at least 25% of them would do it and probably more than that.

You are not abandoned. You are not alone. We are all here and if you tell us how to love you, we will do the best we can.

Another thing to remember is that people are selfish. I am a people and I am selfish. I’m not always a good friend but that’s not because I don’t want to be, but because I’m dealing with my own life and trying to keep it together, or at least appear to be.

I think we just have to give each other some grace. Sometimes we suck at loving each other.

We gotta help each other love the other the best we can.

If you’re feeling dark and feeling like no one understands, please feel free to email, call, or text me.

You are not alone. The darkness lies.

You are loved.

Sincerely Yours,

The Undefeated

 
 
 

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